Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A letter to me and to my blogging readers

Dear Me,

It is me speaking. I thought that maybe putting thoughts into words would help me to make  sense of all the different directions that my thoughts are going.

There are so many aspects of my life that I want to change and that I am worried about. My anxiety and depression have been acting up...granted I have weaned myself off my medication because I feel I should be stronger and not need them, I also don't want to have to take meds all my life for depression, and it saves our family over $300 a year by not being on them. I am just so stressed and anxious all the time now.

I don't like the way that I look. I have always been a little overweight. At times I was a LOT overweight, but now I am up to 241 pounds. That is a TON to me. I remember back when I was dating Bill and I was at the smallest I had been in a long time...I was able to get down to 199 before our wedding and man did it feel good NOT to have a 2 in front of my weight. I would love to get down to that weight again. My goal is to get down to 199...but I would actually love to be closer to 194-195. I couldn't tell you the last time I weighed that. I have no idea what I weighed in high school because I wouldn't step on a scale.

And I know it shouldn't be about the number, but it is. I hate being fat and not looking good. I don't feel good about myself when I am this size. I don't feel healthy or wanting to do anything when I look and feel like this.

So what is stopping me. I have been starting and stopping diets for as long as I can remember. I have South Beached it, Slimfasted it, Dr. Philed it, etc. What is stopping me? I know what it is. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of actually accomplishing something. Maybe it is my poor self image. Maybe it is poor self esteem. I don't know what it is. But I sabotage my efforts and I justify it by saying I couldn't do it anyway. One thing I have said that I wanted to do this summer was step out of my comfort zone, well I haven't. I was going to submit a sketch for an art competition. I didn't. I want to invite some friends over for dinner. Haven't done it because I am afraid they will say no or think it is a dumb idea. I want to lose weight and I have been trying...but then I say screw it and make brownies. I just don't know why I do these things.

All my life I think I have been afraid of failure and how others would perceive it as a failure. I quit being a chemistry major because it was too hard. I felt like a failure in everyone's eyes including my own. I took a job teaching at a school that paid VERY LITTLE. I kept the job because I didn't think I was good enough to obtain something better. I remember my dad telling me once that he guessed I was okay with the status quo. Maybe I am. But in reality, deep down I am not.

I want to be one of those people who can say that they reached their weight loss goal. I want to be one of those people who can say that they know how to reach their goals. I want to be someone that I am proud of. I want my husband and children to be proud of me. I want to fit it and not feel so different and outside of everyone else.

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be a place where I could chronicle how I was living better...by doing fiscal fasts, and working on things that I saw others working on in the blogoshpere (money, finances, and living frugally mostly). What I have found is that I am/was living through others. I would beat myself up because I couldn't get our grocery budget as low as Jane Doe's. I couldn't save money like another blogger. I couldn't do this and I couldn't do that. I have continued to do that..I have done posts and started challenges because I thought that was what I needed to do because everyone else in the blogosphere were doing the same things.

Well I finally realized what a waste I have been. I am NOT everyone else in the blogging world. I am me. And it is time I start taking this blog back to being MINE, not a copy of everyone else's blogging world. I want my life to change and I want this blog to help me chronicle those changes. In the next few days I will be defining what that means and coming to conclusions about what I want to continue on this blog.

Until then, I will continue to think about my life and where I want it to head and I will continue to fight to find the strength to start working toward my goals without failure.


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