Things on my mind....

I have dealt with depression and anxiety issues most of my life. I wasn't officially diagnosed until about 2004 with depression, but looking back I have suffered from it most of my life, going back to probably elementary school. I have been on and off medication through the years. Most recently I was on medication before I got pregnant with Benjamin and through my pregnancy with him. Then I weaned myself off of it...I was in a better place....

But as I should know depression and anxiety don't go away. They may lay dormant for a while before they rear their ugly heads again.

And it seems that I am in the midst of that. I have been so anxious these last few days. There are so many things that seem to be in turmoil in my own personal life right now.

Hubby is anxious as well...due to financial worries, and that I am not happy, he is lonely, works too many hours for peanuts (he is salaried and he works anywhere from 50-80 hours a week), he doesn't get to see me very often or our daughter. He spends most afternoon with the boys so that I can work, but with my work schedule and Rebecca's school schedule he barely has anytime during the week with either of us. It is really hard. I am so envious of people that get to see their spouses for more than half an hour each day.

My work has been crazy because of my schedule. I have to leave early pretty much every day for my hubby's job and that is causing friction with my boss. She acted like this was a huge surprise when I brought it up. It is NOT a surprise. It has been this way for the last 2 years as well. It is the nature of my husbands job. I cannot control that. I know it is a hassle, but you know what I have trained 2 others to be closers so that I don't have to be there. I would get a babysitter, but let's see I would be paying what I would be earning so there really isn't a point; 2 of my trusted babysitters work when I do and my mother is undergoing chemotherapy again and having a rough time of it so I cannot ask for her help with the kids. I am sorry that 4 out of 6 of our afternoon staff are college kids that will not be available after May. That is not my fault and out of my control. I do not do hiring.
It isn't easy for me either. I am losing essentially 6.5 hours of work each week by having to leave early. And that means smaller paychecks. Which lends itself to financial stress.

Finances are tighter than ever. I am cutting back where I can but it is so hard as everything seems to be going up and up in price and I am trying to prepare for summer when I get no paycheck. My anxiety is stopping me from being able to really plan and focus on a plan.

Physically I have been feeling awful, with back pain and chest pain that is all anxiety related. I have dealt with these symptoms in the past and know that that is what it is.

I am worried about the development of Benjamin...he is a little over a year old and still not pulling himself up or trying to feed himself. He keeps getting ear infections.

The entire family has been dealing with illnesses and things since November. We have been too the doctor 19 times so far in 2013. That is ridiculous. I am not sure what to do .

My heart is aching for those injured and/or killed in Boston earlier this week. I have relatives in Boston that I have no way of reaching, so I have put out a question on facebook to see if anyone has heard from them at all this week. This world is a scary place and my children are still too young to ask questions but I know that the day will come when I can't shelter them anymore from these acts and I don't know what I will do.

My mom has been undergoing another round of chemo for her bladder cancer that recurred. This round has been much more taxing on her (so much so she took the last 2 weeks off of work and if you know my mom that means something.). I am worried about her, and at the same time beating myself up mentally for not taking steps to take better care of myself.

Sorry this is so long. It is kind of like a brain dump I think. I am just so overwhelmed right now....


  1. I'm so sorry about everything you are going through right now. Lots of hugs, girl!

  2. I am really glad that you feel safe enough to brain-dump here. That is a ton for one person to deal with, but your awareness is amazing. I know that doesn't make things instantly better, but I am glad that you are in touch with yourself and your feelings. I don't have a lot of answers but I have a lot of listening and tons of vitual hugs. Anytime.


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