Wanting another baby

Something that has been on my mind a lot recently...

So I have a yearning and if fulfilled it would result in us having another baby. I love my children! I really thought that when we had Jacob that our family was complete. We would be a family of 4 and that would be that. We had achieved the typical American dream...mom, dad, daughter, son. (Now just to add the dog and the house and white picket fence...someday.) Anyways, I THOUGHT we were done.... Thought being the word there. Over the last month or so, I have started to feel the yearning again. Maybe it is because Jacob is 10 months old and Rebecca will be 4 in November. I don't know.

I just know that I want another baby. I get a feeling of sadness when I read or hear about someone else's pregnancy, almost like I am jealous. My college roommate is pregnant with her first and though I am happy for her, I want that to be me. Every time I turn on the TV it seems like another star is announcing their pregnancy or birth of their babies. Even Doogie Howser (Neil Patrick Harris) is having twins. In real life it seems like everywhere I turn people are announcing their pregnancies or have just given birth. There have been 2 friends on facebook that have announced their pregnancies just this week. My cousin's wife is pregnant and due in a month or so.  I am happy for these people. Really I am .

Logically, I know that it is probably not the right time for us to have another baby. We don't have health insurance right now. We are just settling into the house. Jacob isn't even a year old yet. I have high risk pregnancies. Having 3 kids would be more expensive, etc.  I know that Bill doesn't want anymore kids right now. He has said he is open to having more in the future.....

I think I made the decision that I wanted more kids last Christmas when I was asked, by a family member,  "You and Bill are done having kids now, right?" I know that this person didn't mean it the way it sounded. But I was kind of struck by how it came out, almost accusing us of doing something wrong by having 2 children. I told this person, at the time, yes I think we are. But in my heart that question hurt. I know that having more kids brings more stress, responsibility, financial burden, etc. but I don't need anyone to tell Bill and I that we should be done because 2 is the magic number for children.

I know in my heart that I would not want to have a lot of kids (I taught at a school where there were families with 10, 11, 12, 13 or more children). I do know though that my heart is telling me that I want more children in my family. If that is what God wants for us, it will happen. If we are only meant to be mom and dad to Rebecca, Jacob and to our angel Travis, then I will be okay with that too. I have to be.